I've had a couple of repeating questions so here are my response. Not that I think many of you will find this relevant-or even that I think you should be interested-but its all part of my journey here so I need to record it. If you don't want to read, you have been warned.
Q: Are things really going as good as they sound like they are?
A: Honestly, they really are. I will be the first to say things are not perfect. You can not take several different people from several different backgrounds, states, countries, religions, traditions, talents, strengths and weaknesses, throw them into a physically and emotionally draining experience, mix in a whole lot of jet lag, very little personal space, abnormal digestive activities and finally top it all off with the constant dripping of sweat and expect everything to come out all Cheesecake Factory like. Of course there are hard things. We have a running joke among the volunteer program leadership about how we should create a reality TV show called, "The Elephant House"--and we would have a lot of material. It wouldn't necessarily be a Jersey Shore type thing, but more Modern Family style-where life happens and there are sometimes mis-understanding due to personality quirks and different communication styles-BUT-there are a lot of happy and funny things happening too. And at the end of the day, pretty much everyone that comes to Rising Star is here to help others, bringing their own unique blend of compassion and adventure. I'll be real with you, there has been one or two days--only one that immediately comes to mind-that have been really hard, and I've thought to myself "What the hell did I get myself into......", but those days and thoughts are not constant enough or serious enough to write home about. In the end, we all work together. We all bug one another from time to time, we all get hangry a little more often then most of us like to admit (or maybe that is just me so Im admitting it right here, right now), but we also realize how lucky we are to have this experience and live each day to the fullest-to the point that the hard things don't hold a candle to the other memories and experiences we are blessed to have daily.
Q. Have you lost weight?
A: Yes I have, around 20 lbs.
And here is a recent pic with one of the dental program directors from the other day
Whether it was failing at a specific goal, or looking for new opportunities with absolutely nothing panning out or being beat down after consciously choosing to hold my head up high and be the bigger person in ridiculous situations day after day after day, it seemed to be to no avail. I felt betrayed, betrayed by my body, heaven, myself and others who I had trusted for so long. I felt like my health concerns and my needs as a person were not taken seriously because they didn't involve infertility issues or a husband so obviously I had no "real" problems or reasons worth making exceptions for. I felt helpless. I felt like no matter what I did, what steps I took, what new methods I employed, what doctors I saw, no matter how much patience I practiced, how much forgiveness and numerous chances I gave to myself, or to others, OR were given to me, no matter what I said or didn't say, no matter how many blessings I would ask for or recognize or prayers I said or callings I fulfilled, nothing made a difference or brought much relief. I felt like years of learning, experiences, and working as hard as I could meant absolutely nothing. It literally felt like I didn't have choices and that I wasn't in control of much of anything-my body specifically-which was really frustrating and honestly kind of scary. I always ended up at a dead end with no where to go and no where to turn. At times, even looking up didn't seem to be doing much either. And although I knew everything happens for a reason, and I knew that however abandoned I felt that I was truly never alone, it all wore on me. It wore on me A LOT-especially because the feelings pretty much described how I felt in all areas of my life-at work, at home, in dating, socially (of course I always had my life long friends, I love you all, you know who you are), financially, etc. It was some pretty heavy stuff, which of course compounded my already present health struggles. Some of the weight gain was from the health problems, but I have to own the fact that there were times that I would self sooth myself through food. Because food could be a "reward" and a way to be good to myself that didn't make me feel frivolous because food is a basic need. Even though it made me feel better temporarily, it was basically just a greasy deep fried bandaid fix and obviously wasn't helping me completely heal physically or emotionally.
There were more then a few times when I thought I should quit my life--not like a suicidal quit-but like push a really really long sleep button. And keep it pushed for a long long while. I was heart broken. I was exhausted. I was more then merely discouraged. I felt so alone. And it was hard. It was hard to stand alone. At times I was standing alone, and yet simultaneously was standing for the underdogs who didn't feel like they had a voice but needed one. And then I came to realize that for the first time in my life, I had been put to the test and come out 100% true to myself and my feelings in a way I hadn't ever done before. It was empowering. It was needed and it was necessary. I started to feel little rays of sunshine, whispering that something really good was just around the corner. The despair was still there but I started to feel hopeful that all the darkness hadn't been in vain, that it was meaningful and preparing me for something new. It was teaching me things I would use--things that I now have used. All my hard work, schooling and dedication hadn't been in vain, I was just reaping the fruits of that work somewhere different then I ever could of imagined. Things I had dreams of doing and felt capable of doing but never really thought I would get the opportunity to do. I felt like I was going somewhere soon, most likely international. And then there were still months of waiting, but one day, India appeared on the radar and by the next evening, I knew I was going-I just didn't know what my exact role would be and for how long I would be here. And even though the couple of months I had between finding out I was going and actually leaving were not carefree and peaceful (for reals though, like my car started breaking down every other week and my visa took FOREVER to get to me, people where still ridiculous, I wasn't feeling all the way well yet, etc.) I was able to detect some form of peace anchoring inside me.
Despite the road blocks, that peace has continued to grow. I don't have all the answers right now, and who knows if or when I ever will. But I do know some things. I know that physiologically, it wasn't "time" for me to feel better yet. I say that because I found out (while in India actually) that the medicines I had been given really start to kick in around 6-ish months (give or take a few months)-which ironically, hit about the time I arrived in India. There is a specific supplement that I was recommended to take in the U.S. that I didn't because I couldn't afford-it would have cost me about $800.00 a month-WITH my insurance-but I am able to get it here for a reasonable price and I think that has helped a lot as well. I am removed from the toxic situations I was in. I am growing and progressing and no longer feeling trapped in perpetually dead end situations. Sometimes I wondered if the reason nothing was working was because it wasn't suppose too-but now I can say that I KNOW they weren't working because they absolutely weren't suppose to. If they had, I wouldn't have learned the things I needed to and I wouldn't have ended up here, on the other side of the world, having a purpose, feeling alive and so much better physically, emotionally and mentally then I have in a very long time. I know finally feeling better isn't the only reason I have lost weight-the other factors have played a role as well, but to me, feeling better, having my motivation back, no longer feeling like I am rotting inside--is why/how I lost the majority of the twenty pounds. I know that is a long answer to such a simple question, but I can't accurately anwser it any other way. Of course, walking around everywhere, chasing kids and always sweating like crazy is sure to help some too.
Q. Are you really safe?
A: Yes, I really am. Of course there are certain risks here I don't have to worry about at home, i.e. poisonous snakes, malaria, monkeys etc. but I'm protecting myself the best ways I can so yes, I feel very safe. Ironically, I was just reading something today about how India is the #6 most dangerous place to vacation in the world. And wouldn't you know it, the #1 and #2 places boarder with India, but I've already gone to and returned safetly from #3-and I am not vacationing here, I am living here so that makes a difference right? Right. To be honest, I was surprised it was on the list. I know life is really hard here, they didn't simply make up Slumdog Millionaire. Yes, there are horrible things that happen in India, but I'm in one of the less dangerous parts of the country and don't see or hear a lot about those things. However, just to be safe, we still live as if we in the more dangerous parts of the country. Just like there are good and bad parts of America, there are good and bad parts to any country. And there is a lot of really good people and really good things that happen in India too. I feel safe enough that I think everyone should come here at least once. It is such a beautiful and diverse country. You can't be here without learning more about the world and yourself. Besides, they have very blunt public safety signs about driving fast, smoking, etc. Even the colonies we work in have an illustrated rule list which shows the rule being broken and what the punishment will be. One of the nice things about living in a blunt society is that they have golden public health/public service/public safety campaigns.
Q. Is there any sort of potential Indian boyfriend/ future Indian husband in the picture?
A: Absolutely not. First of all, with all the arranged marriages this country has, having a son "date" (they don't really date here) or paired up with a non-Indian American white girl is pretty much unheard of. And if it does happen, it isn't necessarily looked upon as acceptable. For another, with how patriarchal things are here, I would make a horrible wife by Indian standards. I could cook and clean and raise children just fine, but I feel pretty confident in saying I would most likely be seen as too outspoken and aggressive by most-I mean come on, I box men out in line at the grocery store. Thirdly, I said it before I left and I will say it again because it still holds strong (perhaps even more so now), I have no freaking dowry to offer anyway. I wouldn't stand a chance. And that is okay because I don't meet a lot of single Indian guys anyway. And who knows, God has a sense of humor so maybe he will send someone to prove me wrong just because I wrote this, but I would estimate the chances of that happening is probably about 1 in 5,000,000. At the very least 1 in 5,000,000. Although, I have to admit that I do think it would be pretty cool to wear something like this, just once in my life. Perhaps I can have a pretend Indian wedding before I come home?
Q: Are things really going as good as they sound like they are?
A: Honestly, they really are. I will be the first to say things are not perfect. You can not take several different people from several different backgrounds, states, countries, religions, traditions, talents, strengths and weaknesses, throw them into a physically and emotionally draining experience, mix in a whole lot of jet lag, very little personal space, abnormal digestive activities and finally top it all off with the constant dripping of sweat and expect everything to come out all Cheesecake Factory like. Of course there are hard things. We have a running joke among the volunteer program leadership about how we should create a reality TV show called, "The Elephant House"--and we would have a lot of material. It wouldn't necessarily be a Jersey Shore type thing, but more Modern Family style-where life happens and there are sometimes mis-understanding due to personality quirks and different communication styles-BUT-there are a lot of happy and funny things happening too. And at the end of the day, pretty much everyone that comes to Rising Star is here to help others, bringing their own unique blend of compassion and adventure. I'll be real with you, there has been one or two days--only one that immediately comes to mind-that have been really hard, and I've thought to myself "What the hell did I get myself into......", but those days and thoughts are not constant enough or serious enough to write home about. In the end, we all work together. We all bug one another from time to time, we all get hangry a little more often then most of us like to admit (or maybe that is just me so Im admitting it right here, right now), but we also realize how lucky we are to have this experience and live each day to the fullest-to the point that the hard things don't hold a candle to the other memories and experiences we are blessed to have daily.
Q. Have you lost weight?
A: Yes I have, around 20 lbs.
Here are two pics from when I said goodbye to my mom at the airport and from one of my first days in India
And here is a recent pic with one of the dental program directors from the other day
Q. How did you do it?
A: I specifically haven't done to much different then the things I always try to do at home--only here in India I am finding it easier to eat better (since I don't have my own transportation to just run out and pick something up quickly, everything is more pure, the local diet is mainly vegetarian, etc.) and that I am able to eat a ton more fruits and veggies then I ever could at home. Honestly though, I think a lot of the weight loss has more to do with how I feel inside rather than me doing so much of this thing or none of that one particular thing. I still eat junk food sometimes, I still drink soda sometimes, I still eat out from time to time, I still don't get enough sleep some nights-but overall I am pretty darn happy. I have mentioned a little about this before so feel free to tune out or skip this part if you want to, but I really wasn't in a good place prior to coming to India. There were a lot of different things happening, my body was working some but not fully and not always consistently and I was in some pretty toxic situations. I am not saying these things to in any way portray myself as a victim though. I have always been a big believer in the power of choice and taking charge of your life. But ironically, that belief is where some of the hardest things stemmed from. I could see things I wanted to change/needed to change but it seemed that no matter how hard I tried to do it, no matter what choices or resolves I made, no matter how I tried to take charge of my life, I just kept failing.Whether it was failing at a specific goal, or looking for new opportunities with absolutely nothing panning out or being beat down after consciously choosing to hold my head up high and be the bigger person in ridiculous situations day after day after day, it seemed to be to no avail. I felt betrayed, betrayed by my body, heaven, myself and others who I had trusted for so long. I felt like my health concerns and my needs as a person were not taken seriously because they didn't involve infertility issues or a husband so obviously I had no "real" problems or reasons worth making exceptions for. I felt helpless. I felt like no matter what I did, what steps I took, what new methods I employed, what doctors I saw, no matter how much patience I practiced, how much forgiveness and numerous chances I gave to myself, or to others, OR were given to me, no matter what I said or didn't say, no matter how many blessings I would ask for or recognize or prayers I said or callings I fulfilled, nothing made a difference or brought much relief. I felt like years of learning, experiences, and working as hard as I could meant absolutely nothing. It literally felt like I didn't have choices and that I wasn't in control of much of anything-my body specifically-which was really frustrating and honestly kind of scary. I always ended up at a dead end with no where to go and no where to turn. At times, even looking up didn't seem to be doing much either. And although I knew everything happens for a reason, and I knew that however abandoned I felt that I was truly never alone, it all wore on me. It wore on me A LOT-especially because the feelings pretty much described how I felt in all areas of my life-at work, at home, in dating, socially (of course I always had my life long friends, I love you all, you know who you are), financially, etc. It was some pretty heavy stuff, which of course compounded my already present health struggles. Some of the weight gain was from the health problems, but I have to own the fact that there were times that I would self sooth myself through food. Because food could be a "reward" and a way to be good to myself that didn't make me feel frivolous because food is a basic need. Even though it made me feel better temporarily, it was basically just a greasy deep fried bandaid fix and obviously wasn't helping me completely heal physically or emotionally.
There were more then a few times when I thought I should quit my life--not like a suicidal quit-but like push a really really long sleep button. And keep it pushed for a long long while. I was heart broken. I was exhausted. I was more then merely discouraged. I felt so alone. And it was hard. It was hard to stand alone. At times I was standing alone, and yet simultaneously was standing for the underdogs who didn't feel like they had a voice but needed one. And then I came to realize that for the first time in my life, I had been put to the test and come out 100% true to myself and my feelings in a way I hadn't ever done before. It was empowering. It was needed and it was necessary. I started to feel little rays of sunshine, whispering that something really good was just around the corner. The despair was still there but I started to feel hopeful that all the darkness hadn't been in vain, that it was meaningful and preparing me for something new. It was teaching me things I would use--things that I now have used. All my hard work, schooling and dedication hadn't been in vain, I was just reaping the fruits of that work somewhere different then I ever could of imagined. Things I had dreams of doing and felt capable of doing but never really thought I would get the opportunity to do. I felt like I was going somewhere soon, most likely international. And then there were still months of waiting, but one day, India appeared on the radar and by the next evening, I knew I was going-I just didn't know what my exact role would be and for how long I would be here. And even though the couple of months I had between finding out I was going and actually leaving were not carefree and peaceful (for reals though, like my car started breaking down every other week and my visa took FOREVER to get to me, people where still ridiculous, I wasn't feeling all the way well yet, etc.) I was able to detect some form of peace anchoring inside me.
Despite the road blocks, that peace has continued to grow. I don't have all the answers right now, and who knows if or when I ever will. But I do know some things. I know that physiologically, it wasn't "time" for me to feel better yet. I say that because I found out (while in India actually) that the medicines I had been given really start to kick in around 6-ish months (give or take a few months)-which ironically, hit about the time I arrived in India. There is a specific supplement that I was recommended to take in the U.S. that I didn't because I couldn't afford-it would have cost me about $800.00 a month-WITH my insurance-but I am able to get it here for a reasonable price and I think that has helped a lot as well. I am removed from the toxic situations I was in. I am growing and progressing and no longer feeling trapped in perpetually dead end situations. Sometimes I wondered if the reason nothing was working was because it wasn't suppose too-but now I can say that I KNOW they weren't working because they absolutely weren't suppose to. If they had, I wouldn't have learned the things I needed to and I wouldn't have ended up here, on the other side of the world, having a purpose, feeling alive and so much better physically, emotionally and mentally then I have in a very long time. I know finally feeling better isn't the only reason I have lost weight-the other factors have played a role as well, but to me, feeling better, having my motivation back, no longer feeling like I am rotting inside--is why/how I lost the majority of the twenty pounds. I know that is a long answer to such a simple question, but I can't accurately anwser it any other way. Of course, walking around everywhere, chasing kids and always sweating like crazy is sure to help some too.
Q. Are you really safe?
A: Yes, I really am. Of course there are certain risks here I don't have to worry about at home, i.e. poisonous snakes, malaria, monkeys etc. but I'm protecting myself the best ways I can so yes, I feel very safe. Ironically, I was just reading something today about how India is the #6 most dangerous place to vacation in the world. And wouldn't you know it, the #1 and #2 places boarder with India, but I've already gone to and returned safetly from #3-and I am not vacationing here, I am living here so that makes a difference right? Right. To be honest, I was surprised it was on the list. I know life is really hard here, they didn't simply make up Slumdog Millionaire. Yes, there are horrible things that happen in India, but I'm in one of the less dangerous parts of the country and don't see or hear a lot about those things. However, just to be safe, we still live as if we in the more dangerous parts of the country. Just like there are good and bad parts of America, there are good and bad parts to any country. And there is a lot of really good people and really good things that happen in India too. I feel safe enough that I think everyone should come here at least once. It is such a beautiful and diverse country. You can't be here without learning more about the world and yourself. Besides, they have very blunt public safety signs about driving fast, smoking, etc. Even the colonies we work in have an illustrated rule list which shows the rule being broken and what the punishment will be. One of the nice things about living in a blunt society is that they have golden public health/public service/public safety campaigns.
Don't worry, here are some close ups
Q. Is there any sort of potential Indian boyfriend/ future Indian husband in the picture?
A: Absolutely not. First of all, with all the arranged marriages this country has, having a son "date" (they don't really date here) or paired up with a non-Indian American white girl is pretty much unheard of. And if it does happen, it isn't necessarily looked upon as acceptable. For another, with how patriarchal things are here, I would make a horrible wife by Indian standards. I could cook and clean and raise children just fine, but I feel pretty confident in saying I would most likely be seen as too outspoken and aggressive by most-I mean come on, I box men out in line at the grocery store. Thirdly, I said it before I left and I will say it again because it still holds strong (perhaps even more so now), I have no freaking dowry to offer anyway. I wouldn't stand a chance. And that is okay because I don't meet a lot of single Indian guys anyway. And who knows, God has a sense of humor so maybe he will send someone to prove me wrong just because I wrote this, but I would estimate the chances of that happening is probably about 1 in 5,000,000. At the very least 1 in 5,000,000. Although, I have to admit that I do think it would be pretty cool to wear something like this, just once in my life. Perhaps I can have a pretend Indian wedding before I come home?
