Whenever the children have questions they tell you, “Auntie
I have doubt!” and then proceed to ask their question. It is something we have
internalized and started saying among volunteers as well.
Personally, I have had a lot of doubts concerning how long I
should stay in India. I have committed to six months, but the option to stay
here for a year has been on the table from the very beginning. The thought of
staying for a year doesn’t really scare me as far as if I can do it—I know I
can do it. It doesn’t worry me about money because I don’t need much to get by
here. It does worry me some about being away from my family and friends because
relationships are important to me and I don’t want to miss anything big, but
when the WIFI worked I was able to have fairly good contact with them and I
know it will be the same once WIFI returns to campus (which is hopefully really
soon-construction of the new tower is right outside my window and taunts me
everyday). I did have some physical concerns about staying for a year, but
those seem to be taken care of since the Indian versions of the medicines I
take at home are working just the same, and they are a TON cheaper here, which
is an added bonus as well. I love the people I work with, I believe in the
cause I am involved in and I absolutely love the work I’m doing, yet there has
still been something holding me back from committing to being here for a full
year.
Needless to say I have done a lot of soul searching and
heaven searching. I have come to realize that I have a few personal and deeply
rooted fears that were preventing me from committing to be here longer. It has
been an interesting process, acknowledging these fears and addressing them the
best I know how. Heck, I didn’t even realize some of my fears existed. I’ve
always considered myself fairly courageous, and I would love to say that I am
courageous enough that nothing could cause me to hesitate over extending this
amazing opportunity, but I’m a little too human for that to be true. Lets be
real, courage sometimes takes some processing, it doesn’t always happen
instantaneously. Regardless of it’s
timing, my courage has arrived and I have chosen to stay an entire year. I
still have many unanswered doubts, but I know this is what I am supposed to do.
I know it just as clearly as I knew I was supposed to come to India. Am I
excited about it? Absolutely! Are all my
doubts gone? Absolutely not! I am for sure stepping out into the dark in
regards to some things, but I know I am not alone in this journey so somehow it
is all going to work out, and in that aspect my doubts don’t matter at all.
